This is my job... and playing catchup...

To learn more about what it is I do for a living, read this Article.

This explains what I was doing out in Hawaii for those four weeks.

I have been back on the mainland for all of 5 days now, three of them were spent drinking and yesterday was spent hungover. Less than a week back and I'm already starting to think detox. HA! Yesterday was only the second time I ever went to the hash with the intention of not running (the first time was because I didn't feel like running a trail set up by an individual notorious for setting long shitty trails). The previous night I hung out with Captain Save-a-ho, one of the Wendy's girls Late Nite, Judy, IHOV and Nub. I was on hurting pup the next morning, but it was an awesome night all around and it is GOOD to be back!

My training hit a snag a couple weeks ago when I pulled a hamstring muscle. I can still pull down 7:30 miles, but I need to be ultra careful for the next week or two to ensure it heals properly. I don't know if the fall I took in the 6 pack 10K had anything to do with it, I'm guessing not cause I was feeling a little gimpy before then. I can feel my leg getting better and I've been doing a lot more injury prevention exercises, so with any luck I'll be able to get back on track for my March 19th date with destiny.

6 Pack 10K

Quick update: More from my trip to come later...

DC has the Hash Rules Beer mile: 72 oz of your beverage of choice, 4 laps… any order you want. The Honolulu Hawaii Hash House Harriers (H5) has their own unique beer competition: The 6-Pack 10K. Six beers, 6 miles… a beer at the start of every mile. I’ve never run the beer mile, but I figured I’d try at least one beer race this year. This year was the 12th time this event has taken place.

I think I represented DC properly by finishing in 3rd out of 50 participants. I was running with the eventual winner through 4 beer checks and was actually leading him out of the beer checks, EWH3 has given me the proper training to down a beer pretty quickly, at least compared to these islanders. I was about to take the lead when I got into a fight with a curb and went down like a cheerleader on prom night busting open my knees, scraping my chest and bruising my palms. I was able to get up and hobble my way to the 5th beerend and almost caught up with the leader and the guy who got second (he passed me after I fell). We finished about 10 minutes before the 4th guy came in. We finished in about 45 minutes and apparenlty we all ran faster than the previous 11 winners. The guy who DFLed came in about an hour and a half later.

Haystack Dictionary Entry #8

DFL – n. Dead Fucking Last

The winner was a hasher named Little Hummer Boy and he was followed by a hasher named Jiffy. I missed out on the lovely plaque of framed bottle caps from the beer selection during the run, but I did get a pretty cool t-shirt for my efforts. Unfortunately, that was my only hash experience on this trip as I was working 10-13 hour days the entire week... but more on the week from hell that was... later...

I Know How the Rich Stay Thin…

Our first test went off better than expected, so as time honored tradition, we all decided to go out and celebrate. It was decided that we would go to the Grand Hyatt in Poipu (rated in the top 5 Hyatt’s in the world) and go to the Italian Restaurant there. I knew it was going to be an expensive night because 1) its the Hyatt and 2) it’s the Hyatt and 3) it’s the Hyatt. My premonitions were correct. I spent almost $30 on two drinks at the bar while waiting for my coworkers. Granted I over tipped the bartender because I saw some rich bitch fake piece of plastic shit (obviously an “escort”) who was with some jackhole loser who had to pay women to sleep with him give the bartender (and I shit you not) a 25 cent tip. She literally threw a quarter on the bar top as they walked away.

Haystack Dictionary Entry #7

Escort – n. High priced hooker

I left the bar and met up with my coworkers at the restaurant. I so did not belong at that place. The atmosphere was too stuffy, everyone was dressed up and the waiters were snotty. I was sitting there in surfer board shorts and a t-shirt. Class is my middle name! We all spend our lives looking for a place to belong, well… I was able to cross off the rich as a place I do not belong.

We all ordered and when the food came out I made the comment, “I don’t remember ordering appetizers”. I got a nasty look from some in my party as apparently the waiter had brought out our actual meals. I was done in about 2 bites and was still hungry. I guess I was supposed to savor the flavor. My portion of the bill came out to a little over $50. No wonder the rich manage to stay thin, they don’t shit. Some of my coworkers wanted to go back to the bar but I opted out. The night was getting too expensive and I wasn’t getting any pleasure out of the night (to recap, I spent $70 up to that point and had had a small piece of chicken glazed with some unpronounceable sauce, some bread, a coke and two rum n’ cokes).

Hawaii has some good porn…

...And I ain’t talking bout cable either.

The last time I was in Oahu, back in February, I was staying at the Radisson in a room on the 53rd floor facing the city of Waikiki (vice the beach). I was sitting in my room watching Adult Swim on cartoon network when I hear a knock on the door. I open the door and in burst one of my coworkers striding quickly towards my balcony, saying “You got to see this!”. I follow him out and he tells me to look to my right. On the right was a hotel, not as nice as the Radisson. I look and see… a hotel. I shrug thinking nothing of it until my coworker tells me to take a closer look, which I do.

It took a while to sink in, but finally it did. There in open view with curtains wide open was a topless chick riding this dude hard. I couldn’t believe it. I look slightly away to a couple windows to the left and see a similar sight; only the couple was in a missionary position. I say under my breathe, “You got to be kidding me.” To which my buddy says, I know, there are at least 7 or 8 live action playboy stations going on over there. I take a scan of the windows and yep, there were 7 to 8 live action pornos going down in the hotel next to us, all with lights turned on and curtains wide open.

The next day my buddy and I decide to do some research and find out that the hotel next the Radisson is infamous for being the unofficial HQ for the Wendy girls. The Wendy girls are the residential hookers in Waikiki. We gave them the “Wendy girls” nickname because they seemed to hang out soliciting their services next to the Wendy’s on one of the side streets in Waikiki. Apparently the hotel next to the Radisson rents rooms by the hour.

Now why am I telling this story one might be asking. Well, apparently inadvertent voyeurism seems to follow me in this State. Fast forward several months. I am set up in a nice set of condos. Most Condos on Kauai are duplexes and are built very close together, so close that you can see into other places pretty easily. I bet you all can tell where this is going… Dear Penthouse Letters… so there I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed when something caught my eye in the mirror. The mirror in the upstairs bathroom that I was using has a great angle showing the window to the bedroom of the condo next to me.

In the window was this hot brunette in this skimpy spaghetti strap dress. I’m talking nice view here which was about to get a bit better (and a bit explicit). Two seconds later her man comes from behind and pulls off the dress. Nice to know my female neighbor doesn’t wear a bra nor panties under her dresses. Now, this is all happening withier with curtians wide open and their lights completely on. Anyways, a detailed description of what I saw next would earn this blog an “NC-17” rating. I’ll leave y’all with two words: policeman style. The best was looking down to the street and seeing a shocked woman who was probably just getting back from dinner or something). There she was covering the eyes of a young kid and directing him away from the view. Hilarious, that had to be the funniest thing I’ve seen since arriving here.

Haystack Dictionary Entry #6

Policeman Style – n. A sexual position were the chick gets banged from behind while standing with her hands pressed against the wall and legs spread as if she were getting patted down by a cop.

Now, it should be noted that Kauai is famous for several things, the first being known as the Garden Isle. Kauai is the island where Jurassic Park and the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark were filmed. Kauai also has a lot of chickens and stray cats. But, what Kauai is best known for is bring a perfectly romantic island where newlywed couples come to spend their honeymoons. Which is to say: if you see an attractive woman on this island, chances are you will also see a ring on her finger. I guess you can also say that there is little need for the playboy channel.